I begin
I start to move, to grow, to reach
So close, so close
And then I hear it,
the poison in my head.
I deny it, resist it, run from it
But silently it grows
And I wither inside
Belief in self lost.
A sickness oozing from every pore
Colors dull and joy tempered
By doubt and suspicion
And meanness of spirit
Knowing I will not succeed.
Here it comes
Your reality of grey
That wraps me in a palor
that sun cannot penetrate.
I try to be more than it
I try to move beyond it
It has always been so strong
Put there years ago by you
The Poison in my head.
I want to be whole
To be more than I am
To live in love with life.
Express myself as an artist
Dance to music no one hears
But for the poison in my head.
Always there in the back of my mind
Hindering me from becoming more
I feel so small, so unlovable
Never good enough
A mistake never meant to happen.
I fight the pain, I overcome
I pick myself up and move forward again
I seek the solace and warmth of the sun
Self comfort rather than relying on another
Burning with a fire inside
That was temporarily doused by
The poison in my head
Until I begin again.