I begin

I start to move, to grow, to reach

So close, so close

And then I hear it,

the poison in my head.

I deny it, resist it, run from it

But silently it grows

And I wither inside

Belief in self lost.

A sickness oozing from every pore

Colors dull and joy tempered

By doubt and suspicion

And meanness of spirit

Knowing I will not succeed.

Here it comes

Your reality of grey

That wraps me in a palor

that sun cannot penetrate.

I try to be more than it

I try to move beyond it

It has always been so strong

Put there years ago by you

The Poison in my head.

I want to be whole

To be more than I am

To live in love with life.

Express myself as an artist

Dance to music no one hears

But for the poison in my head.

Always there in the back of my mind

Hindering me from becoming more

I feel so small, so unlovable

Never good enough

A mistake never meant to happen.

I fight the pain, I overcome

I pick myself up and move forward again

I seek the solace and warmth of the sun

Self comfort rather than relying on another

Burning with a fire inside

That was temporarily doused by

The poison in my head

Until I begin again.

Categories: Poetry